My name is Pam, and I am in a Bad Mood.
If you’ve read Sex in the Fifties, you’re probably aware that I’ve been in a Bad Mood since that first hot flash in June 2006. I’ve heard that hot flashes can continue for 10 years. A very bad mood indeed.
Maybe I could deal with the hot flashes if that were the end of it. I could learn to work naked, my feet thrust into slushies, my lips dribbling any liquid served in a frosty can, a sponge poised high issuing rivulets of chilly springwater over my glowing back. This might even get a rise from my amorous husband, if he hadn’t learned by now that sex and menopause are about as likely to be linked as the geek and the prom queen locked in a bum-fondling slow dance. Understand, mind you, that HE is the prom queen these days, while I have been banished to the computer room, deemed unfit to mingle with humans.
And it’s not just the hot flashes, the mood swings, or the lack of sex. It’s the damn diet. The damn “why is all this weight ballooning from my belly” diet. I weighed 119 until I was 30. I weighed 128 until I was 45. Now at 53, dammit, 54, I weigh 128 with a 15 pound yoga ball shoved in my gut. Life sucks. And not in a good way.
Dearie says it’s because I eat too much and don’t exercise enough. I was forced to smite him, and he has Gone to Bed. Without Me.
But since I’m not being sweet to him and not having sex with him, I’ve decided to dump the damage, and toward this end I’ve come up with a fairly successful Menopause Diet.
Each day: one cup of tea, two lean cuisines (not at once), one apple, one low-fat graham cracker, and 4 bottles of water consumed while performing 200 daily crunches.
Due to the nature of this diet, you will require additional supplements for optimal health. The most effective supplement is Zoloft, the non-addictive (hahahahahaha) alternative to Xanax, both available without prescription from any school-age child. For pricier upscale drugs, target those who attend private schools.
Lest you think the Menopause Diet is little more than idle days of exotic new frozen cuisine choices, activities are also included. The following regimen is suggested.
Barking. Quite easy, perhaps even second nature. Not only does barking energize facial and chest muscles and increase lung capacity, it’s extremely effective against telemarketers, delivery personnel, and chatty cashiers.
Sullenness. While several hours spent in sullenness burns few calories, it’s a valuable tool for warding off unsightly wrinkles caused by laugh lines. Sullenness can also gift you with several hours of quality time away from family members and co-workers.
Swatting. Swatting is superb for increasing upper body strength and combatting feelings of helplessness. Even better results may be achieved if a suitable target is used.
Growling. Growling rates near the top of my exercise list. It can be performed in any location or position and requires no particular equipment beyond sagging breasts and an internal combustion engine. Growling is also a superior method of communication, making your point of view instantly clear with a minimum of effort.
If only I could reward my diligent efforts with a Caribou Lite Coffee Cooler with Whip (220 calories for a small — the Whip alone is 100 of those (all fat, 14.9 grams), but soooo well worth it in the mood lightening department).
As dietary sins go, the Bou Frap is pretty mild. Dairy Queen’s large Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard stuffs a whopping 1,320 calories with 52 grams of fat.
Pair that up with a Double-Quarter-Pounder with Cheese Super Combo from McDonald’s (1,620 calories and 72 grams of fat), and I’m suddenly feeling pretty damn skinny. Hungry, but skinny.
Word is, I can lose 1 pound each week if I lower my calorie intake by 1000 calories per day. That seems pretty extreme, especially when I need extra energy for the barking and swatting. If I don’t see some progress soon, I’ll have to beef up my routine with scale hurling. I’m pretty sure that’s a Scottish sport.
9 thoughts on “The Menopause Diet”
I’m catching up on your writing. I thought I had followed you and read all the posts I got notices about. I love your writing and your thoughts on life’s passages. I can relate! And now I have plenty of time to catch up with your blog. BTW- I also lost my mosaic creative spirit but it happened after Trump was elected. Its coming back now. A bit at a time. Other creative endeavors took its place – moving, downsizing, and grandparenting. Grandparenting is the most creative endeavor next to parenting. I miss that now with this damn Covid messing this up.
Soooo glad to catch up with you again Carrie! I hope we both continue to pull things together, and I look forward to seeing more of your work. Things WILL get better!
Ummmm… can we still be friends if I tell you that I got through that stage with barely a hot flash? But don’t be jealous. I have already aged many more years than you, and the things that I enjoyed (i.e. ate) when I was your young age are all still in the volley ball on my stomach. Menopause can come and go, but stomach volley balls are forever.
Love you, Pam! Your expressions— both visual and verbal— are treasures. So very happy to have been connected to you in this big, crazy universe.
My mosaicing has even suffered a bout of color changes since I have been having hot flashes for 5 years! thouigh I must say nothing, not even the lack of sex will stop me from mosaicing, hmmmm, maybe I should make a mosaic representing the sex I should be having but am not! L.
Hilarity at its finest! I will keep this all in mind for when it is my turn and go for the scale hurling to appease my Scottish ancestry.
Great stuff! So glad to see you back. I enjoy your perspective. Entertaining and yet depressing all at once. Off to stock up on my Lean Cuisines…grrrr!!!
OMG, Pam!!! This is fantastic! Humor is sometimes the only way to get through some stages of our lives!!! Happy you can create some from your situation! I’ve not reached that phase as yet, but intend to file this away for when I need it in the future! In the meantime, I think I’ll begin practicing a little “swatting” and “growling” just so I can be ahead of the eight ball!!!
OMG! Welcome to my world. I love you attitude. I’ll add sullenness to my “new attitude” list to buy some time away from family members! Love it!!!
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